Archive for the ‘From “I Married Wonder Woman”’ Category
November 3rd, 2011
After being away from home on a business/fishing trip, the first thing you want to do when you get home is:
A. listen to your wife talk about everything she, her friends, the kids, and the neighbors did while you were gone
B. have sex
C. enjoy a fine Scottish ale
D. eat a steak while watching TV
After a long day of problem solving, workplace politics, and personnel malfunctions, what you want most when you get home is to:
A. listen to your wife talk about her day in journalistic detail
B. enjoy a fine Scottish ale
C. eat a steak while watching TV
D. have sex
When you are done with the entire list of chores that avalanched your otherwise free Saturday – including things you could have sworn were still undecided – the thing you most want to do is:
A. listen to your wife’s assessment of your performance and her new list of things for next Saturday
B. eat a steak while watching TV
C. have sex
D. enjoy a fine Scottish ale
If your wife says “We never talk,” the response you are most likely to give is: “Well, honey let’s…
B. “have sex.”
C. “enjoy a fine Scottish ale.”
D. “eat a steak while watching TV.”
If you answered “A” to any of the above, you are the ÜberListener.
September 20th, 2011
10. What a strange illusion it is to suppose that beauty is goodness. ~Leo Tolstoy
9. There is a road from the eye to the heart that does not go through the intellect. ~G. K. Chesterton
8. My work always tried to unite the Truth with the Beautiful; but when I had to choose one or the other, I usually chose the Beautiful. ~Hermann Weyl (German mathematician and physicist)
7. Beauty is indeed a good gift of God; but that the good may not think it a great good, God dispenses it even to the wicked. ~Saint Augustine
6. Beauty is a short-lived tyranny. ~Socrates
5. There’s a difference between beauty and charm. A beautiful woman is one I notice. A charming woman is one who notices me. ~John Erskine (American Essayist and Poet)
4. Beauty stands in the admiration only of weak minds led captive. ~John Milton
3. A thing of beauty is a job forever. ~Milton Berle
2. Even I don’t wake up looking like Cindy Crawford. ~Cindy Crawford
1. The average girl would rather have beauty than brains because she knows the average man can see better than he can think. ~Anonymous
September 14th, 2011
Anne is a determined decorator, or as she likes to describe it, environmental engineering. Any number of times I have come home to our well decorated home to find it well RE-decorated. Not that she buys new stuff, but furniture I thought unmovable by human beings under 6’4” now casually grace different rooms… on different floors. One day I was particularly surprised to see the piano was not in its usual place and the TV armoire, which weighs more than a Hummer, was across the room.
“Why didn’t you wait till I could help you?” I ask, trying to hide the glee that I didn’t actually have to do anything (points for the willingness).
“It was no big deal. Kyle and mom helped me.”
At the time Kyle was nine, and her mother was 70.
“Before you tell me the funeral arrangements, I’d love to know how you did it. I don’t even see any blood.”
“I worked a rug underneath the cabinet and we slid it across the room.”
“What about the piano?” Now I was sure she had to confess to being the actual Wonder Woman.
“Well, you know it has wheels.”
I stared dumbly for a moment. It did? You mean I could have rolled it when we moved in?! Without letting on, I coolly responded, “I meant up that step from the den, yeah, from the den, I mean, of course you could roll it from there. What about that step?”
“We managed.” She smiled and changed the subject to how I liked it. Of course I liked it fine; I liked it before too, but I wasn’t about to help move it back. Funny how she can’t open a mayonnaise jar when I’m available, but let me leave for work and nothing is too hard if it means she has to wait!